The teams gathered bright and early last Saturday morning. It was a beautiful day as the University of Texas, Texas A&M, Sam Houston, and Texas State descended on God’s pitch at Baylor University.
The first match of the morning pitted Baylor #1 vs UT #1. Still reeling from their loss to the Grads last week, it was a slow start for the Bears. The first half saw the Longhorns rack up 29 unanswered points as the Bears remained in hibernation. In the second half though, the two Baylor team captains, Chris “Buddha” Brown and Andy Audet rose to the occasion and both scored tries, and held the Longhorns scoreless – the second half would be a foreshadowing of events to come. On a sad note though, this match did witness the fall of two soldiers. Rookie Khoby Moore messed up his shoulder and rookie Sebastian “5 names” dislocated his collarbone when they embraced in excitement after Sebastian made his first tackle (that is the story we are sticking to). Both will have surgery this week. The final score in the first match: UT #1 29 – Baylor #1 10.
In the second match of the day Texas State defeated Texas A&M #1 12-5. This was followed by a sound trouncing of UT #2 by Sam Houston, 41-5.
By mid-day, the Bears had awoken and a sense of excitement filled the air as Baylor #2 took the field against Texas A&M #2. The first half of the match was rather sloppy on both sides and both defenses stood strong, but eventually A&M scored the first try of the match. Determined not to allow the Bears to go down in flames, Andy Audet and Brent Brookshire flipped their aggression switches and began a tackling frenzy on the poor Aggies. This allowed the Bears to maintain possession of the ball for the latter part of the first half which saw Travis “Yes beat me I’m a ginger baby” Bonning and Justin Evans score tries. At the half, Baylor #2 12, A&M #2 5. When the teams took the field for the second half, the Aggies were determined to make their way back, and quickly scored another try, but missed the conversion. The Bears had enough and the Green and Gold tide began to roll under the leadership of scrumhalf Sam “nobody ever listens to me” Riley. The second half saw improved tackling, rucking, and communication, especially from Mike “Princess” Jeans and the team’s adopted special needs child from Oklahoma, Jimmy Mitchell. Brian Merka (we think he’s a redneck foreigner) scored a try, Justin Evans drop-kicked for points, and Jason Curren scored a try. In the end, Baylor #2 prevailed over Texas A&M #2 by a score of 27-10.
10 Minutes after defeating A&M #2, the Bears took on the Texas A&M’s first side, and the onslaught began as Travis Bonning quickly scored the first try of the match. The Bears put on a solid defense against the attacking Aggies in the first half with possession going back and forth between the two teams. Before the half ended though, Andy Audet would score another try, bringing the half-time score to 12-0. When the second half opened, the Bears pounced on the poor little Aggies. Brent (nickname forthcoming) Brookshire scored a try in the first few minutes. 30 seconds later, Brandon Alvarez took out his earrings and dropped his tampon as he scored his first try for the Baylor Bears (Zulu information being withheld at this point). Brandon’s try was followed by another from the juke running, fleet footed Justin Evans, bringing the score to 27-0. Winger James White, who would show incredible foot speed, tackling, and yes even passing, took the ball in for a final try. Baylor #1 beat Texas A&M #1 by a score of 32-10.
After Baylor’s sound defeat of both A&M sides, Sam Houston defeated Texas State by a score of 14 to 10. This of course left Baylor’s starting hooker Lucas “Mighty Mouse” Divine not only overjoyed, but also very depressed since he could not regain his manhood in a rematch against Texas State. The shadow of the “red card” still looms. With “Mighty Mouse” sulking on the sidelines, UT #1 took the field and trounced A&M #2 35 to 7. While these matches were taking place, Baylor kindly provided free food for the visiting teams. One could look over to the far corner of the pitch and see Baylor players – President Ben Montgomery nursing what he claims is a sore shoulder, and Caleb Jackson writhing in pain from a hang nail – grilling up hot dogs and hamburgers. The Alumni have kindly promised to reimburse the team for these expenses, three cheers for the alum!!
Now, at 4pm in the afternoon, it was time for the last match of the day – Baylor #2 vs UT #2, a rematch of the Bears and Longhorns (for some reason the University of Texas, in all sports, have a problem with Bears from across the country – go figure) The last match admittedly was very ugly in terms of mechanics, but it had been a long day. The match started with rookie Mark Vehslage scoring, despite the fact that he cried earlier in the day over a scratch on his nose. This was followed by another rookie score from Matt Reid, who often threatens to talk on the pitch. With sloppy attacking and defending on both sides, Andy Audet took control once again and put in another score, making it 17-0 at the half. In the second half, Matt Reid again ran wild and put in another try. Toward the end of the match, the Baylor Bear’s showed their generosity by allowing the UT side to score. There were many highlights during this match, but by far the best of the best would have to be from James White who won the ‘black on black’ race war with UT’s petite winger, proving he was the man in this matchup. The final score, Baylor 22 – UT 5.
At the end of the day, Texas A&M coaches were filling themselves with free hamburgers, the UT teams gracefully packed up (and cleaned up their tent area), Texas State walked off with empty syringes in hand, Sam Houston – well, we don’t know what happened Sam Houston, Clayton Jewett, the bald and rickety Baylor coach who still thinks he can play rugby, was pleased with the Baylor Rugby Team, and local authorities were perplexed at the report of a naked white boy running through a nearby apartment complex.
Saturday is a Rugby day! And, it was a good rugby day!
Submitted by “Anon”